


That stranger in my heart

by Miss_Von_Cheese



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Smut, bad language, tw: amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-02-15
Packaged: 2017-11-29 09:11:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Von_Cheese/pseuds/Miss_Von_Cheese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has got to go on a hazardous mission and his Stevie freaks out ; goodbyes are never pleasant anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> (Series written for the blog AskCapsicoul.tumblr.com, so all the chapters might seem a bit strange since the ellipsis were originally filled with Asks, still the whole series can be read without knowing the blog. :3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil has got to go on a hazardous mission and his Stevie freaks out ; goodbyes are never pleasant anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Series written for the blog AskCapsicoul.tumblr.com, so all the chapters might seem a bit strange since the ellipsis were originally filled with Asks, still the whole series can be read without knowing the blog. :3)

“Come on, Steve, man up!” Phil snorted in a hurt voice. “You’re Mister Superhero, you can handle this okay? One week alone at home, two maybe, that’s not so much!”

Steve gave his husband a dark glare, pissed off. He could see Phil regretted his harsh words and to be honest Steve didn’t mind at all, he preferred to be yelled at, at least it meant Phil was here with him, alive and close. It had all accelerated quickly, they’d been fighting for an hour now, their words becoming more and more cruel. 

“Well thank you for worrying,” he replied, clenching his jaw. “But it’s not staying home that scares me! Breaking news, your idiotic husband can use the microwave now, don’t worry I won’t blow up the building!”

A flash of pain in the eyes, Phil placed a hand on his forehead. “I have no choice, Steve. I have to go. I hate to bring that up to you but it’s Irak and even if it’s not enough, a lot of people still come back alive. I’m not gonna stay for long, it’s a short…”

“A short mission yeah, if they send YOU over anyone else it’s because it’s dangerous as hell!” Steve growled. “Let me come with you at least!” 

Phil slightly shook his head, knowing Steve was right. They both were aware of the fact that when you send agent Coulson overseas it’s never going to be easy. 

“One, I don’t need your protection I managed to survive all these years without you, give me some credit!” Phil shouted, leaning against the kitchen table. “Then, you know I can’t bring you on this one, besides you have stuff to do in DC too. We shouldn’t even discuss it, there’s nothing to discuss! That’s the way it is, you’ll wait for me and when I come back we’ll be the same ridiculously happy couple in our ridiculously happy domestic life!” 

They had it coming, they knew it. In those fights, one of them always gave up and stopped arguing, the two strong men they were always managed to break each other and regret it. Steve almost bit his lower lip hard enough to draw blood, he walked to Phil, red eyed and breathing fast, and grabbed him by the collar. 

“You’d better come back quickly and in good shape or I’m gonna make myself a widow!” he gasped not really threateningly as Phil pulled him in for a kiss filled with fear and sadness. 

“I’ve already been there, already came back,” Phil murmured between urgent kisses, swiping his tongue across his lover’s bottom lip.

“And you know it’s unsafe, even more if they send you for this particular op’… there’s one hell of a hazardous mess, let’s sacrifice Coulson…” Steve whined, tears in his voice. He ran his hands on Phil’s sides, his back, feeling the scar that Loki had left there, just a preview of what worse could happen.

“This is war babe, so yes this is hell you know,” Phil replied, burying his face in his shoulder. He wasn’t afraid to leave, he had never been afraid of danger and it had put him in many unpleasant situations since the beginning of his career but Steve’s distress reminded him of the risks. He was not alone anymore, staying alive was not only a selfish responsibility and perhaps he’d have to chose between hurting his country or his lover. And to be honest he wasn’t sure of his decision anymore. 

“I think I know yeah,” Steve replied bitterly as he clung to him like a shipwrecked to a raft. He knew fighting was useless, he knew it from the start but he couldn’t help it, he hated to see Phil obeying like a dog to SHIELD and its irresponsible committee, he hated to risk losing him. Tired of arguing for nothing, he kissed Phil again, softly, tenderly. “When do you leave?” he asked sadly.

Phil looked at his wrist. “Leaving for the airport in five hours.” 

“Fine,” Steve sighed, putting on his jacket not to lose a single second. “Pack your stuff, I’m gonna get pizzas and beers. Since you told me to “man up” that should do it, right?” He knew Phil hadn’t meant it but he wanted a last batch of good memories before one or two weeks of dread and anxiety.

“We won’t need five hours to put three t-shirts in a bag and eat a special pepperoni,” Phil replied with a smirk, unable to let go of Steve’s hand. He knew what his lover had in mind but he wanted to hear it from his mouth. “You’re gonna fuck me until I can’t go that’s it?”

“No, you’re gonna take me,” Steve growled against his mouth and it sounded like an order. “And I wanna feel the burn until you come back.” Phil knew it was physically impossible that Steve felt sore for even half-an-hour afterwards but he slapped his butt to urge him to get those damn pizzas and pretended they could do it.

“And when I come back, you’ll be fucked by your hero,” Phil promised, trying to sound more secure than he was. Steve planted a last hard kiss on his lips with what sounded like a “I hate you” and dashed through the door. Phil walked to his room, wanting to pack as quickly as possible. It used to be so easy… being single, having no one to care for. No one to hold at night, yes, but that also meant no one who was afraid for you, no one to wait for you alone… Even with another hero, this job was not good to be in a relationship. Phil smiled and shook his head. It was just a routine mission. Steve would have to deal with it. He would get used to it, eventually.


	2. Captain America, remember?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil is back but things went wrong in Irak...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Series written for the blog AskCapsicoul.tumblr.com, so all the chapters might seem a bit strange since the ellipsis were originally filled with Asks, still the whole series can be read without knowing the blog. :3)

Steve was running possibly faster than ever, the thuds of his feet echoing in the corridor as the hellicarier started to head South. Something had happened and somehow he had expected it for more than a week now. He knew it. He didn’t feel that mission, he had this feeling, the kind of sixth sense a soldier is not supposed to let talk. Always listen to your reason, right? This time he shouldn’t have.

He hadn’t changed since his appearance next to the President to show his support for National Day of Service and his uniform had never felt so uncomfortable. Dashing through a fire door, Steve replayed in his head every word of the message. “Phil is back. He’s been compromised. Hurry.” And now none of them answered their phones, no one could tell him precisely what was going on. Steve slid on the floor, finally arriving to the infirmary where Thor was waiting for him. Standing still in front of the door, arms crossed: a giant godly fence put there to stop him. Steve barely slowed down, trying to push Thor away with an arm, when the demigod caught his wrist firmly to get him to listen.

“I was sent to warn you, Captain. There has been an accident, your loved one is safe and healthy but… he doesn’t remember any of us.” 

Steve jerked his hand away, annoyed with Thor like he would be with a fly. “What? Come on, what do you mean?” he groused, trying to reach the digital panel on the wall.

“The Son of Coul doesn’t even remember me, nor my face or my name. His memories are gone, Steve, just like a bad spell,” Thor sighed sorrily as he stepped back to let Steve enter. “We had to warn you, we knew you’d be hurt…”

 

Steve pushed him away and walked into the infirmary where the whole team, several SHIELD agents, a few doctors and Fury were gathered around Phil. He was wearing BDU pants and a white t-shirt, sporting them so comfortably he didn’t even look, didn’t really feel like himself. At least he seemed in good shape, no visible wounds, no bandages… it couldn’t be that bad. Steve swallowed heavily. He refused to believe it. No, perhaps Phil didn’t remember them all, perhaps he was indeed a little confused or shocked but he couldn’t have forgotten Captain America, his husband, his childhood hero.

“Don’t you remember SHIELD at all?” Fury asked dryly, about to lose his calm. “New Mexico, Manhattan… you’re one of our best assets, agent Coulson. Don’t you remember this at all?”

“No, Sir,” Phil replied in a voice that didn’t have the usual phlegm of a confident agent. He sounded like a young soldier, respectful but reckless. “But I’m willing to believe you, you know. If you tell me I’m an agent, fine. Give me a mission. Last thing I know I was in the desert, there was an explosion and I wake up here… okay, as long as you work for the good of United States and give decent paychecks, I’m in.”

The whole audience seemed desperate, their had just lost a friend, a mentor, a role model even for some youngest recruits. Natasha and Clint looked worried as Steve stepped between them, breaking their circle. He feared the outcome but deep inside he still hoped that maybe, maybe seeing him would remind Phil of everything else. Perhaps that would be triggering enough? The Avengers moved to let him get closer and Steve kept his eyes on Phil, noticing every detail, the way the agent suddenly looked at him, scrutinized him with a small knowing smile. Heart filled with hope, Steve grinned. Yes, he did remember his lover at least!

“Well, Colonel, you’ve got some hot stuff in your team! Might be a good idea to join in after all,” Phil smirked, nodding toward Steve with a meaningful look.

Everyone’s breaths caught in their throats. Even Tony seemed shocked by Phil’s mockery, and his obvious lack of lucidity. Steve took a deep breath, standing in front of his husband; Phil must have had a severe trauma, it was enough for now to rediscover SHIELD and the Avengers, and still in shock Steve’s mind remained strangely calm. He just wanted to know, to understand and explain all of this. There was a problem, there must have been a solution, period.

“Phil,” he said a little bit too harshly, shaking his hand. “I’ve been told you don’t recognize anyone?” 

“Nope,” the man said and it didn’t sound like him at all. It was like Phil who didn’t control his tone, who didn’t even try to sounds professional. Phil without years of experience actually. “And you are?” 

“Steve Rogers… Captain America… does it ring a bell?” Steve asked, knowing the answer for there was no sparkle of understanding in the clear gray eyes. Phil shook his head with a pout.

“Hydra, the comics books, my vibranium shield, your collection of action figures, staying up late to catch a bid on Ebay, the eight-pagers under your mattress?” Steve insisted trying not to sound too needy. He had a hard time believing it. It was just going to stop, right? They were all gonna start laughing and admit it was a joke, right? Phil frowned, looked as his own hand before gazing at Steve’s larger paw. His eyes went from one to the other for a few seconds before he finally talked.

“What’s this thing pretty boy? We’ve got the same ring, and no one else’s got them, is it some kind of mark of recognition, are we in the same unit? Am I your superior? That’s why you’re so disappointed that I don’t recognize you?”

This one was harder for Steve who had to exhale slowly, curling his trembling hands into fists for a brief second. He then spread his fingers to show Phil the small vibranium ring they had only worn for a few months. 

“No,” he said softly, almost a whisper. “These are our wedding bands.” His eyes found Phil’s, there was nothing. No life, no memories, no sudden realization. No drunken moments in Dublin, no bachelor party with Stark and the boys, no tears in front of the altar. Just a blank canvas. Steve controlled his breath. He wouldn’t lose it in front of his teammates, he would hold on until they’d all say it was but a freaking joke. He wouldn’t believe it, it wasn’t true, it was impossible! Steve tried to talk, had to hide a hiccup behind his hand, too nervous and tense. He was about to turn and ask Natasha if she had tried her cognitive recalibration techniques on him when Phil frowned.

“Oh yeah, really? What kind of marriage was it? For a mission, undercover? You needed a green card? … my money?” Phil asked again with a shrug. 

Steve barely heard Tony gasp next to him. His whole world, his head was spinning, his ears buzzing, he felt like he was going to empty his stomach on the floor. The insulting words were suddenly making everything true, much too true. Phil couldn’t have played that, he wouldn’t even have said that if he had known Captain America and respected him as he had always done. Now that was real. Here and now, Phil didn’t know who he was, who he loved, who he was supposed to spend his life with.

“T’was a love match,” Steve gasped, muffling a sob on his fist. Trying to keep his dignity, Steve turned around and walked to the door swiftly. “Tell me when you don’t need us anymore, I’ll drive him home. Maybe it’ll remind him something,” he mumbled before rushing outside. 

In the infirmary the whole staff, medics and superheroes were mortified. After a few seconds a loud noise like a wall being smashed was heard as well as a pained and angry scream. 

“Wow! He… the cutie, seems like he really loves me,” Phil stated with a perplex frown as Fury shook his head in despair.


	3. Come... home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil wasn’t himself ; he had been hurt, severely hurt but he didn’t even feel like it, because well, losing your memory was one hell of a curse : you couldn’t remember the consequences of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Series written for the blog AskCapsicoul.tumblr.com, so all the chapters might seem a bit strange since the ellipsis were originally filled with Asks, still the whole series can be read without knowing the blog. :3)

In the gym, the loud noises of fists hitting the punching bag mixed with the clinging of the chain holding the bag to its hook, and it sounded as if Steve hadn’t taken a single deep breath since he had started. He was on the verge of suffocating, sweating like never in his white tank top, hitting, punching, pounding the bag repeatedly, in a useless attempt to make this whole nightmare go away. 

Phil wasn’t himself ; he had been hurt, severely hurt but he didn’t even feel like it, because well, losing your memory was one hell of a curse : you couldn’t remember the consequences of it. And all Steve could have done was running away, get to the gym and fight with a giant leather balloon instead of just be there to help him. Coward much, Rogers? Afraid your team of little friends will see you cry? 

Yes he had ran away, because Steve knew the moment he would let it go, the very moment when the tears would finally fall, nothing would stop them. He tried to keep everything inside, appear strong at all costs and the second he would stop, he would be a sobbing mess. As his fist connected with the bag one too many times, Steve felt the leather break under his push and the sand started to escape its confined space, raining on the floor.

Steve sighed and let out a frustrated grunt. He turned around, walked slowly to the wall to catch his breath before sitting, back against the wall, head between his knees. What the hell was he going to do now? 

The door opened and steps he didn’t recognize were heard. Steve didn’t look up. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Calm down.

“Hey, buddy…” Phil said calmly, squatting in front of him. “Are you okay?” Steve looked up, shocked once again by this person he didn’t know. A stranger’s mind in his husband’s body. “You said you’d bring me back home,” Phil asked again, placing a hand on his forearm. “Do you mind? Or I can call a taxi. I just wanna grab a few clothes and I’ll get a hotel room, don’t wanna be a burden for you.”

Steve jerked his arm away, feeling no warmth, no tenderness in Phil’s gesture. He shook his head. “No, I don’t mind. And no, you gotta sleep in your own bed, in your apartment, maybe a safe domestic environment will remind you about your life,” Steve said in a cold voice, getting up. “Let’s go.” He didn’t really look at Phil, afraid to feel again the strong disappointment, the pain of seeing blank eyes, emptied of passion and love.0

“Let’s go,” he repeated sadly, walking to the door as the sand kept pouring on the floor.


	4. Lie awake in bed at night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not easy living with a so close stranger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Series written for the blog AskCapsicoul.tumblr.com, so all the chapters might seem a bit strange since the ellipsis were originally filled with Asks, still the whole series can be read without knowing the blog. :3)

Phil woke up calmly, too quietly, simply opening his empty eyes on a blank ceiling. Even his nightmares were blurry. Silhouettes moving, flashes of lights, muffled screams, people running in a visual jelly. He hated those dreams, unconsciously tried to understand what they meant, all these shades of sand, brown, black and fire, but he always felt better when he woke up, laying in a tangible reality.

Getting up, he tiptoed to the bathroom, unknown toilets, unknown shower, unknown face in the mirror. As he came back to *his* room, he heard the noises. Soft whimpers, groans, sobs and hiccups coming from the living-room. Phil slowly pushed the door of the bedroom. From where he was, he could discern real cries now and the couch shaking under the big soldier’s shivers. Phil was tempted to go back and leave him alone because they were nothing more than strangers, not even friends, but his natural empathy pushed him forward. He coughed softly to announce his presence and turned around the couch where the big guy, so huge and strong from what Phil had seen, was curled up in a blanket, cuddling one of his dogs who faithfully licked his messy face. His gross sobs and loud whimpers were heartbreaking and when he cried, he looked beautifully ugly, terribly sincere and touching with his red eyes and nose, and his swollen lips.

“Hey, hey… come on dear, calm down,” Phil whispered, placing a hand on Steve’s shoulder. For the first time the soldier didn’t push him away. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” 

“Not your fault,” the boy whimpered, sitting back almost in a military manner to face him. “M’not blaming you. Just mourning the love of my life.” His own words saddened him and he burst out crying louder, burying his face in his blanket.

“Hey pretty… herm, hey boy,” Phil asked, trying not to call him too familiar names not to remind him his lost lover. “Don’t you have a good bottle somewhere? Gin, Scotch, Bourbon, or Vodka perhaps from that little Russian friend of yours? That doesn’t solve problems for sure but that could make you sleep a bit. You really need it now. When was the last time you slept?”

“Can’t get drunk,” Steve mumbled as he wiped his eyes with a tissue. “Serum and all… I’ve already tried.”

“Oh, shit.” Phil noticed that Steve winced softly every time he swore. Old fashioned soldier boy didn’t like that? Breaking the implicit rules Steve had dictated, Phil leaned over and took the giant in his arms, hugging him awkwardly. Steve moaned a faint “Please don’t…” but didn’t pull away. He let it go in the soft embrace, allowing himself to hug Phil in return for a few seconds. Phil frowned. That smell. The shampoo from the bathroom yes, not the anti-baldness one he had assumed he was supposed to use, the other one, but mixed with Steve’s scent. He closed his eyes, tried to inhale discretely. He knew that smell. Not wanting to give him false hopes, Phil slowly pulled away with a sad smile and brushed his thumb on the boy’s face. 

“Good night,” he whispered as he went back to his room. “Try to sleep, okay? Or I’ll ask your boss to give you a military training that would exhaust a god himself!”

Phil tucked himself under the blanket and frowned, sniffing his fingers. He knew that smell, that was certain…


	5. What? What do you remember?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title says... ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Series written for the blog AskCapsicoul.tumblr.com, so all the chapters might seem a bit strange since the ellipsis were originally filled with Asks, still the whole series can be read without knowing the blog. :3)

Steve could feel his guest -he couldn’t bring himself to automatically call him Phil yet- was restless. The man was walking around the apartment, picking up a DVD, putting it back on its shelf, turning the TV on then off, sitting here and there then getting up. He sighed. *His* Phil was never bored, he never had time to, always found something to do. At the same time, he however felt bad for thinking of the poor amnesiac man as “not his Phil”, and finding the right balance to live with him was hard.

The last days had been a little better though, Phil was less wary and he acted warmly in Steve’s presence, not considering him like a stranger anymore. Steve heard him walking in his back and he felt his presence, the soft shadow on his sketchpad as the agent looked from behind. “What are you drawing?”, Phil asked casually. “Uh, hey you’re not bad at all!”

“Still life,” Steve shrugged, pointing at the fruits he had placed on the table.

“There’s… there’s a worm in the apple?” Phil choked as he scrutinized the sketch. “And the banana is rotten? That’s hm… unusual.” 

“Caravaggio, the artist, often painted depressive still lives to symbolize the shortness of human life,” Steve replied dryly to hide his own sadness.

Phil shrugged, not believing him and grabbed another sketchpad with a “May I?” that didn’t really sound like a question. Steve sighed. His Phil at least respected his privacy and the fact that he didn’t always want to share his artwork. But he couldn’t bring himself to refuse something to this new Phil, he was too afraid he would make him miss the little detail that would bring his memories back, even if after a long and tough week Steve started to lose hope. He had to admit it, whatever happened from now on things would never ever be as they used to.

Phil started to flip the pages, nodding here and there or letting out some appreciative “Hm, hm” to show his admiration. Steve only looked at him discretely from time to time as he kept torturing the poor fruits on his dear ivory paper. When Phil was halfway through the sketches though, Steve saw him stop, an horrified expression on his face. He seemed really upset and his hands were shaking softly.

“What… who is this?” Phil stammered with a frown, eyes half-closed in concentration and what looked like pain. He made a face and placed a hand behind his head as if an acute pain was creeping up his neck. 

“Uh, this one?” Steve said looking at the face of a little boy with olive skin, dark eyes and long lashes. “It’s Habib, the son of our neighbors Mr. and Mrs. Shirazi. When I did this drawing we were invited to drink tea at their place, Habib wouldn’t stop moving and you talked with them about the moment they decided to leave Iran to come work in the US…”

Phil’s hand slid to his forehead and he frowned. “Are you okay?” Steve asked. Something wasn’t right here, he could see it. “You look like you’re having a migraine or something. Sit down.”

“Mrs. Shirazi… green mint tea and delicious cookies… l-l-l-lovely Muslim peo-p-p-le… have they d-d-done the Hajj like they w-w-wanted to…?” Phil stuttered, shaking from head to toes, as he leaned on a chair. “God I’m not okay… not okay…”

Steve pulled the chair, focused on Phil’s sudden pain. He was blinking as if surrounded by flashes of light, trembling against him. This was only when he tried to help Phil sit down that Steve realized. “But… you remember the Shirazi?” he exclaimed, full of hope, unable to believe his ears.

Phil shook his head with a groan. One second later he was running to the bathroom and emptied his stomach in the toilets. Steve followed him and if he had been quite cold with Phil these last days his instinct commanded him to take care of his lover, whether it was “really” him or not. He grabbed a towel, softened it with warm water and placed a hand on Phil’s back. The agent was choking on hiccups and sobs over the tainted porcelain. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay… let it go,” Steve encouraged, forcing him to stay in that position for a few seconds to be sure he had nothing more to evacuate. When Phil, still crying weakly pushed on his arms to get up, Steve smothered his face with the wet towel to clean him up quickly and flushed the toilets. Phil let himself be cleaned, tears flowing down his red cheeks, lips trembling. 

“I… I remember, I think I remember,” he whined, hands on his temple. Steve had never seen him so desperate before, he didn’t understand why the portrait had been so triggering to Phil, and wondered whether he should be happy or not. “I… Steve, o-o-ooh God Steve… I remember…”

“What, love? What do you remember? Tell me what’s going on?” Steve whispered, hands wrapped around Phil who despite his distress was slowly going back to his usual body language. Same posture, same tone, all these details that had constructed his personality over years. 

“Everything,” Phil breathed. He coughed and grabbed Steve’s t-shirt, burying his face in the middle of his chest. “Everything, God Steve… oh God… Steve, Steve…” he chanted, clinging to him.

“What happened baby? Relax, it’s over I’m here.” Steve mumbled awkwardly, running a soothing hand on Phil’s back.

Phil had another retch, fists curled on Steve’s t-shirt.

“I… I killed children, Steve!”


	6. I killed children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We were on a path, leaving the village, to go back to our camp ; everything was quiet, the village was calm as everybody prepared for dinner. We didn’t hear it coming, I just heard the guns fire and saw flashes of light as Marshalls fell on the floor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Series written for the blog AskCapsicoul.tumblr.com, so all the chapters might seem a bit strange since the ellipsis were originally filled with Asks, still the whole series can be read without knowing the blog. :3 This chapter however is taken directly from the blog, so it's written in script, I hope you don't mind.)

Phil: *sighs deeply, hands in his lap* I know guys, I’m sorry for letting you wait but I needed some time to process certain informations… it was a rough week-end, filling forms about what I saw was not really funny. *takes Steve’s hand as if it could give him strength* I’m really grateful Steve was here with me, I couldn’t have done it alone.

Steve: It’s okay, love. *kisses his temple* You’ve got nothing to worry about, I’ll always be there for you. And it wasn’t easy, nobody should have to live this. 

Phil: I know… *rubs a hand on his neck* So guys even if it seems strange to talk to a blog about such personal problems, I feel like we’re close enough now and I owe you an explanation. 

Steve: And your therapist said it could be a good idea too. *encouraging smile* Go ahead, love. I’m here. If you don’t feel like talking about some details again I’ll just say them for you.

Phil: *rests his head on Steve’s shoulder* Thank you honey. *sits back and rolls his shoulders with a wince* As you guys know I was sent to Iraq with a unit of agents to eliminate a target, this is all I can say about the mission. And the mission in itself went relatively well, except for the so-called target who has indeed been eliminated. A… Actually everything was almost fine by the end of the week, we were just extremely busy and we feared to be spied on, that’s why I didn’t contact Steve -which I’m really sorry for by the way. *rubs a hand on his neck* We prepared the operation, and on Thursday we had done everything we had to. We just had to fix some damages and help local populations with whom we try to keep good relationships because we were here as a very special unit and not as US Army. Some of us were Marines but we need people’s trust and cooperation to help them, it’s absolutely necessary for intervention forces like us. So we stayed one more day… *sighs and bites his lower lip* 

Steve: *rubs a hand on his back with a sorry look*

 

Phil: To help us on the field, we were with Marshalls, a Marine who had spent more time in Iraq these last ten years than I’ve spent in my office, and proved himself a valuable asset in the desert where even our GPS would lose us. *takes a deep breath* He knew all the villages around big cities, he knew the ways in and out, he was a great help. And on that last day, he disappeared so I went after him, by myself, because I had an idea of where he was going and why. I had seen him looking at the stars like the young idiot he was, and staring at a picture on his iPhone for hours. I went to this tiny village where he had said he “had unfinished business” and I found him courting his princess in her parents’ small arid garden. She was wearing a… *swallows heavily* … a loose blue and purple hijab and she was looking at him like he was the sun himself. They both looked so in love! For a moment I wanted to leave and let them enjoy their happiness but we had to come back and debrief, and I knew Marshalls would stay in Iraq anyway. I doubt he would have come back to America anytime soon. *rubs two fingers on his nose* Even her parents you know, they liked him, I saw them giving him tea and bread. *looks down frowning, lost in his thoughts* 

Steve: Are you okay babe? 

Phil: Yeah, I’ll be fine. I have to, right?

Steve: You don’t have to tell everything now if you don’t want to.

Phil: I’m gonna be okay, thank you. *small smile* So I let Marshalls finish his afternoon with his young lady and as the sun was setting behind the mountains I showed up, introduced myself and told him we had to go. We saluted the family and left after he promised to… to come back as soon as he could… which he never did. *gasps* Well. You’ll excuse me if I don’t give too many details but the following was rough. We were on a path, leaving the village, to go back to our camp ; everything was quiet, the village was calm as everybody prepared for dinner. We didn’t hear it coming, I just heard the guns fire and saw flashes of light as Marshalls fell on the floor. It was so sudden and I must say I didn’t expect it, I had lowered my guard, silly old man moved by their lovely romance! I couldn’t react in time, he died almost immediately as I rolled in the dust. He had just been shot in the back, I… I didn’t think for two seconds you know? I just grabbed a grenade as I hid behind a rock and threw it at the group of people to give me some time to take my gun, then I fired… I don’t know, for perhaps twenty, thirty seconds, to keep them away from the body. I heard them running away as I went back to check on Marshalls but it was too late for him. *runs both hands on his face* He was… dead. I noticed a blinking light coming from the place where the enemy was a few seconds ago, a small bomb, so I took Marshalls to take him away from the explosion. But as I was carrying him, the lamp tied to his forehead lit up the area and I saw… *buries his face in his hands* Oh God. 

Steve: *wraps his arms around Phil and hugs him tightly* I know love, it’s okay. It’s done. Shhh…

Phil: … children soldiers. I had just killed. I didn’t even think, didn’t even try to know before shooting if they were adults, it… it was dark and we had NEVER reported children soldiers in this area, never. Since 2006 things have changed a lot and we thought it was getting better, there are no “Saddam’s camps” anymore so I didn’t think I would… *deep sigh* Oh Jesus they were at least four or five… not older than fourteen…

Steve *takes Phil’s face in his hands and places his forehead against his* Love, I’m not saying that what you did was right, but it wasn’t completely wrong either. We’re soldiers, we’re built to defend ourselves and our countries. You reacted to an aggression the same way any soldier would have, it was not your fault! Under attack it’s normal not to think too much, we’re not made for this. And children? I would have never thought it possible. You’re not the guiltiest, the ones who trained them and forced them to become warriors are the ones to blame.

Phil: *looks away* But doing this, Steve, it… it stains you. I’ll never be the same again…

Steve: You’re a good man, you’ve always been and you’ll remain a good man. If you weren’t, then you wouldn’t care. You would sleep at night and never hesitate to do it again if you had to. It was a deadly accident and those responsible are the ones who threw these kids in a war. They were not civilians, they were attacking you. That doesn’t make it okay to kill them but you had every right to defend your life, as tragic as the outcome might be.

Phil: *turns to the laptop* Seeing the children’s bodies froze me, I just stayed there for a few seconds, unable to move, and fortunately or not I was not too close so the explosion simply stunned me. The boys found me a few hours later after I blacked out, they took us back to the camp and… and now you guys know everything. If you want to unfollow I would understand. I must be a disappointment to most of you so please, you can go if you want to, I really won’t mind. And… now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna log off and rest a bit, it’s getting harder as I tell the story again and again…

Steve: I’m glad you managed to talk about it. *kisses Phil’s temple* And despite what you think, you’re not a horrible person. We all do things we’re not proud of, it doesn’t make us complete monsters, only humans.


	7. First Valentine's: Captain and Gentleman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all this mess, the boys needed some peace and spending their first Valentine's Day together was a good way to clear some things up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Series written for the blog AskCapsicoul.tumblr.com, so all the chapters might seem a bit strange since the ellipsis were originally filled with Asks, still the whole series can be read without knowing the blog. :3)

Steve was in heaven, just like the famous Sinatra song, dancing, twirling, hand in hand with Phil, lost in his loving gaze. His agent’s smile was wide and his cheeks flushed as they danced across the room, observed by all the other clients of the restaurant. Steve had no doubt Phil had enjoyed the evening and he was glad this night would stay in their memories for a long time.

A few weeks ago, Steve had asked Tony if he knew a place where he could rent a boat and, too happy to help him, the billionaire had kindly offered to give him for free one of his multiple yachts. Steve had had to fight and they eventually agreed that Tony would only lend them for an afternoon -and for free, Steve c’mon, it won’t cost me a thing!- a small boat from his private marina. So they had spent their Valentine’s Day on the sea, Steve getting to call Phil “Captain, oh my Captain” for once as his lover maneuvered the boat like he had always been a sailor, under a cold but happy sun.

Then they had made this trip to Coney Island they had talked about for months and hugged each other in the few attractions they were able to do in the parks that were severely damaged by hurricane Sandy last November, and seeing them like this, hand in hand, laughing and giving each other fond looks, they didn’t seem much older than most teenage couples out there for Valentine’s day.

As they were leaving, Phil already saying that he had spent a wonderful day, as if it had been just enough for him, Steve had taken him to this beautiful hotel where the restaurant was known for its fine food and its famous British chef, to end the afternoon the best way they could. And they were now waltzing around the dance floor to the sound of a very good band who played old songs from the 40’s just for them -had they been bribed? Phil pretended he didn’t know!-. Fingers entwined they twirled around in a slow and steady rhythm, oblivious to the world around them. It was just them, filled with love and mutual admiration, happy to finally have a real romantic dinner after the roughness of last month.

Steve saw Phil blinking lazily, a bit dizzy because of the whine and whirls combined, and kissed his blushing cheek. There were no words to express how he loved the smaller man in his arms, the sensation of his hand in his, the broad back under his fingers. It was like Phil was the one and only answer to the equation of his life, no other result was possible.

“I… I think we should think about calling a cab,” Phil whispered looking up to Steve. “I had a fantastic day but it’s getting a bit late and…”

Steve interrupted him with a small “Hm, hm” and a negative sign of the head. “No love,” he smiled, looking at the ceiling of the restaurant. “We’re not going home tonight. We have a suite booked up there.” 

Phil slowed down, almost froze but Steve kept dancing, holding him against his chest. “What?” the agent choked, cheeks red with embarrassment. “Here… here? But it’s expensive! It’s more than expensive, it’s… the dinner was already too much!”

Steve shrugged. “When will you believe me when I say nothing’s too beautiful for you? I don’t care, you deserve it. And a night in the classiest suite it will be,” he added with a soft smile.

“I’ll never be able to do something as amazing for you,” Phil mumbled, looking at his feet as they slowed down.

“You’re in my life, you repay me everyday,” Steve assured with a wink. And determined to mark both their first Valentine’s and first meeting anniversary in the most outrageous way, he kissed Phil tenderly, a soft lingering kiss in front of the whole room where embarrassed looks where mixed with more envious ones.

The large hall of the hotel, the Art-Nouveau stairs, the vintage elevator, everything looked like a dream and Phil’s smitten smile was the best reward Steve could have asked for. They took their time to cross the halls and corridors from the restaurant, thrilled by the presence of a groom in the elevator who asked for their destination.

“It’s so gorgeous!” Phil marveled once inside, hand locked on Steve’s as his eyes ran all over the golden scrolls. “I feel like I’m in Titanic, it’s silly I know…” Steve simply smiled and kept holding his hand as the groom remained still next to the decorated door, a smug smile on his face. 

The room in itself, more like a small apartment actually, was richly decorated in a romantic fashion they probably didn’t dare to exhibit on an everyday basis. Too many roses, too many pearls and diamonds, “Cupid’s Suite” was outrageous. But today didn’t count, it was made to look exaggeratedly romantic and Phil wasn’t going to complain. He walked across the room like a child on Christmas morning, touched the marble counter, the large mirror on the wall, the bouquets of flowers here and there. Even the largest bed he had ever tried had him squealing in delight. “God, this is too much Steve, too much!” he repeated with unhidden glee. 

Steve quickly checked that everything he had ordered was here ; a box of fine Belgian chocolates on the bedside ~Phil’s favorites~, the bathroom all set with rose petals. It was too much but hey, as he said, nothing was too much for Phil. 

“May I suggest something?” Steve purred, wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist from behind. “There’s a jacuzzi over there, with champagne and strawberries waiting for us. I’ve been told it can be very romantic. If it pleases my husband…” 

“Oh yes, it pleases!” Phil replied breathlessly before turning around and planting a fierce kiss on his lips. “You’re crazy babe, you’re mad, you’re impossible!”

Steve captured his lips in another kiss, more tender. “Yes, sir…” His smile was playful as he pulled on Phil’s tie. “Now let’s get vanilla, Captain, oh my Captain!”

As close to each other as it was possible, they walked to the bathroom, about the size of their usual living room, and undressed slowly, in a half-sensual half-practical way. Phil checked his cellphone and under Steve’s warning look turned it off. No call, no texts, nothing for the night. The world could burn, they had romance to do! The water was hot, shaken by tiny waves and streams of bubbles that instantly relaxed them both as they sat comfortably in the jacuzzi. 

Steve placed an arm around Phil’s shoulders. “Goodness I can’t believe it!” he moaned. “This is so good! Now I finally understand why Tony’s got one on each floor of his tower.”

“Yet another of your first times you’ll share with me,” Phil replied, draping himself over Steve to rest his head on the solid shoulder he loved so much. Steve kissed his forehead, troubled by the delicious proximity but aware that there were limits to respect. He gently caressed Phil’s back, grabbed the bottle of cool champagne and with one hand managed to pour two cups. 

“To this wonderful day,” Phil cheered, eyes lost in Steve’s, not leaving his lap. “And how you spoiled me when I didn’t deserve it.”

Steve clinked the glasses together and nodded. “To you, love. To you without whom I wouldn’t be the same. And to the day we met, one year ago…” A rush of emotion made his voice catch in his throat but Steve went on with a touched smile. “One year ago I was alone, I was lonely, lost. I had no goal, no purpose, no future. I had to save the world but it wasn’t mine. I had nothing, even less a reason to live. And…”

Phil’s gorgeous eyes were glistening and Steve knew it announced tears in the most immediate future. He kissed the soft lips of his husband, decided to go on. “And this man arrived, with his gentle smile and his eyes that made me fall in love. You made me feel important again, you didn’t treat me like some vintage item that belonged to a museum. You… I realized the only thing that made me a hero was that kids like you had looked up to me and kept my character alive in their hearts.” 

Steve licked his lips and leaned closer to brush his nose against Phil’s. “Without you, I’m nothing. This is why you deserve everything, this room, this dinner, my name, my life, everything Philip.”

Phil’s smile grew wider and his shaking hand found the corner of his eye from where he removed a drop of water, probably from the jacuzzi. “Stop that,” he begged in a strangled voice. “Please love, don’t…” His lips trembled and it didn’t take more than a muffled ‘I love you’ to have him break into tears, face buried in Steve’s shoulder.

Steve didn’t like to see his lover cry, of course, but his emotion was shared and he simply nuzzled Phil’s scalp, unable to say more. “I love you babe, I love you.”

“Love you too, you beautiful idiot!” Phil whined against his neck. His sobs were heartbreaking but they were not just caused by the tender words. The perfect night was the trigger after a month of pain and misery and they were mostly drinking to the end of this horrible story. It was over now. They were celebrating one year of true love, the purest unconditional love, between a young Captain lost in a world that terrified him and the most trustworthy mentor he could have met. 

The sobs and hiccups faded slowly after a few minutes during which Steve didn’t let go of Phil ; he rubbed his back, and squeezed him, hugged him tight just to feel his naked skin against him, share his warmth with him. Steve lifted his husband’s chin with two fingers and wiped his tears. “Shhh it’s over, love. I truly meant it, you’re everything to me. You’re gonna have to get used to the idea!”

Phil shifted in his lap and ran a hand in the blond strands in a way that never failed to make Steve purr like a cat. “I promise I’ll always try to be the one you deserve, Stevie,” he said and the soldier felt himself melt in his embrace. “And I’ll fight every day to be perfect for you. Because I love you and you make me a better man. So this is for you too, who reminded me that I wasn’t just a cold-blooded agent but a man with a heart…”

And he clinked the glasses one more time with a renewed self-control that never ceased to amaze Steve, winked and took a sip of champagne when his lover remained too touched by his words to even move. Steve had to bite his trembling lip for a while, letting the deep meaning of Phil’s words sink in before he could drink too, and appreciate the high quality wine that fortunately couldn’t get him dizzy.

He was about to pick a strawberry in the bowl when Phil shifted over him and nuzzled his temple. “Thank you for everything,” the agent said, voice hoarse against his ear. “I’m having a great time, it’s perfect.” Steve shivered as the tip of a warm and wet tongue brushed his earlobe, preceding playful teeth.

“P-Phil, no, you… babe, we don’t have to…” he protested. Phil’s hips rolled against him and two hands ran up his chest. “Because I got us a room doesn’t mean we have to have sex, this was not my intention!”

Phil nibbled on his neck ; soft bites and long kisses on his throat ignited Steve’s desires but he tried to resist. “It’s been too long, right?” Phil murmured. “One month, that’s way too much…” 

“And you had every reason not to be in the mood, sweetheart,” Steve hummed, unable to resist the tender kisses. “I understand and I don’t want to force you to… hmm oh God please, stop!” He knew he had lost the game though when Phil arched and a hard erection bumped against his abs. He could feel how feverish and needy his husband was, hungry in the most sensual way.

“You don’t understand, hun,” Phil whispered in his ear as his knowing hands roamed all over Steve’s torso. “I’m not giving sex in exchange of a room, or a dinner. I do it because I want it. I’m not a whore…”

The young soldier felt his body quiver and the dirty word went straight to his groin ; he didn’t need more to surrender to the sweet attentions he had been deprived of for so long. Steve ran his hands on Phil’s back, he grabbed his round ass, hard, and with a dark look he smirked, knowing how Phil would love it. “Come on, everybody knows you’re Captain America’s whore.”

Phil’s surprised gasp was the most erotic sound and Steve instantly forgot about the obscenity he had just said, embraced by two strong and loving arms. They fell against each other, touching, grabbing, pressing and pulling. Their mouths found each other, lips parted, tongues battling, teeth clanking like an awkward first kiss for a few seconds before they found the perfect rhythm again, the way to devour each other passionately. Steve could feel his husband’s hands on his neck, his shoulders, his chest ; he moaned every time his hair was pulled and replied with soft scratches and gentle slaps. He couldn’t lie, he had missed it! Phil’s warmth, his experienced body squirming against him, to swallow his groans and his muffled “Fuck” and feel his heart beat both in his chest and his throbbing cock. 

Phil’s mouth moved lower, his tongue and lips traced every square on Steve’s stomach, the crack between his pecs, his sensitive nipples. Steve’s legs jerked, splashing water on the floor. “Oh God yes! P-Phil…” 

“See, you missed me,” Phil whispered against his skin, lips moving fast. Steve’s hand found the back of Phil’s neck and he held him softly, just to make him feel his trembling fingers. Yes he understood and respected his lover’s boundaries, Phil had been through so much, it was normal that he didn’t feel like having sex since his return but the sudden sensuality, overwhelming sensations all over his body reminded Steve how good it felt to be wanted. Desired. Teeth scratched his abs, a curious tongue explored his navel, he arched like a girl, head tilted back against the cold wall. 

“Phil… hm love, so good…” he panted. There had been times, at the beginning of their relationship, when Steve had been a bit embarrassed by the way Phil could spend hours kissing his whole body, touching, licking, it felt sometimes part of a stronger kind of hero worship, and the naive soldier couldn’t believe he was only appreciated for himself and not Captain America. But he had understood after a while that it was nothing but love and passion, for he did worship Phil’s body too with the same interest every time he could. 

Phil kissed his way up his chest again, buried his face in the crook of his neck as Steve tried to touch, squeeze, rub every inch of moist skin his hands could grasp. Heated by his lover’s passion, Steve slowly traced with his tongue the lines of his ear, nibbled on the lobe before leaving deep open-mouthed kisses all over his throat. They didn’t even try to get more serious but their cocks met between their stomachs, velvety skins sliding together in smooth moves and all they could do was surrender to their bodies’ will. Steve felt a hand take his, warm massage oil was poured on his fingers in an explicit request. 

Okay, he would have done anything Phil wanted anyway but to feel him so feverish, so excited and asking to be taken awakened Steve’s dominant instincts. He couldn’t hold back a mischievous smirk when Phil’s eyes fluttered close as he opened around his fingers. Always careful, the Captain tried a first finger, slowly, testing his husband’s limits. Hips moving back against his hand were the signal he could add another one. Phil arched, rolled his hips, resting his wet cock on Steve’s stomach. “More…” he begged in a sultry voice. “Don’t be shy, Stevie, you’re always so…”

“I’m always so… what?” Steve growled as he buried a third fingers in Phil’s warmth, causing him to buck his hips and groan in pleasure and pain. Steve let out a whining moan when a hand fisted his hair, aroused by the soft pulling. 

“You like that, stop complaining,” he smiled against Phil’s lips. His husband’s body was so pliant, open for him, he moved back to take more of his fingers and Steve knew he could easily get him off just like that, with his fingers crooked to repeatedly rub his sweet spot deep inside. 

“If you don’t fuck me right now babe,” Phil panted. “I’m gonna come on your abs like a virgin…” 

Like a virgin? Steve smiled and bit his lower lip. No, their first time had been a good moment but it had nothing to do with such passionate, dirty yet tender lovemaking. Now they knew what they were doing, they weren’t shy anymore and what Steve dared to say now would have made him blush a few months ago. Strong hands grabbed Phil’s waist and pushed him down. Without even planning it their bodies found each other, Phil sat in one swift move on Steve’s cock until he could straddle his lap, voice fading in a broken moan.

“Look at me,” Steve ordered. He had trouble controlling himself and only the appreciable influence of the serum prevented him from coming undone so soon. His fingers dug into Phil’s muscles ; he started to roll his hips, pushing back to meet his thrusts. It seemed like none of them was in charge, both pushing and arching, giving and taking equally. Phil blinked, forced himself to look down. His red eyes, flustered face, the sweat on his brow, were all that Steve needed to be happy right now. 

“Yes Steve, yes… ‘tever you want… oh fuck!” Phil fell forward, his hands on the wall to hold on as each thrust threatened to make him lose his balance. He panted loudly, groaned, lost in sensations. Water was splashing all over the walls and floor, its noise mixed with their low voices and passionate grunts. Steve ran his hands up Phil’s sweaty chest, collared his throat lightly to thrill him before sliding down again to pinch his demanding nipples and twist them until he could hear in his lover’s voice that it was too much.

As Phil lowered his head to kiss him, warm lips and tongue pushing against his in a devilish kiss, Steve held his husband close and slid in the jacuzzi to turn them over. Hands were locked behind his head, strong thighs around his waist and when he pushed himself in Phil once again, Steve had to still for a while, enjoying every seconds, every pant, every drop of sweat against his skin. He resumed rocking his hips encouraged by Phil’s pleas, face buried in his throat. 

It’s only after a few moments, seconds or minutes he didn’t care, that Steve noticed Phil was breathless and distracted. He slowed his thrusts and frowned at Phil who seemed fascinated by something behind his shoulder.

“Babe, you… you tell me if you don’t care ‘bout what I’m doing?” Steve panted, a bit puzzled, and tried to look behind to see what was so interesting. 

“Hm sorry love,” Phil apologized, looking back to him, then to the ceiling, pressing his heels against the back of Steve’s thighs to encourage him to go on. “Was thinking we really need a mirror on the ceiling at home. ‘Cause your ass is glorious when you fuck me…”

Steve’s head shot back as he stared at the mirror and he rolled his eyes with a fond smile. “You little perv’! Will you shut your dirty mouth, you just can’t help it, right?” he smirked, a hand on Phil’s mouth. 

Phil placed a solid arm behind his neck to keep him close, he moaned loudly until Steve accepted to start again and this time, between kisses and sweet filthy love words, fingers entwined and growling in each other’s ear it was almost impossible to stop the ascension. Steve only managed to hold on until he felt his lover’s hot body clamp around him, he bit his shoulder and let the waves crash, literally for once, as Phil’s cries echoed in the bathroom.

Even for an athlete like him such sessions were intense and Steve had to carefully stretch not to collapse onto Phil and drown him in the bath. His husband’s smile and glistening eyes were the best reward though, better than a gold medal. 

“Sorry… sorry for keeping you waiting for so long,” Phil panted, a shaking hand caressing Steve’s chest. “Should have done that sooner, would have made me feel good… forgot what an antidepressant you are!”

“It’s okay sweetheart, you know I’d rather have you fully in shape than forcing you…” Steve maneuvered clumsily to sit back next to Phil who instantly snuggled against his shoulder. “Besides you haven’t lost your skills.”

“Haven’t done anything,” Phil giggled, nuzzling Steve’s throat. “You did all the stuff…”

“You set me on fire, I had no choice…”

Steve kissed Phil lazily, a long sloppy smooch, and let his hands roam freely on his quivering body. He kissed his throat, his neck, his jaw with little hums. “I love you so much… Phil, I hope you’re not disappointed in our first Valentine’s together?”

“How could I be?” Phil grinned. “This is better than everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I can die happy now…” 

Steve knitted his eyebrows in an indignant pout. “Oh don’t you dare!” 

“Don’t worry love, I won’t,” the agent assured, going limp under Steve’s broad hands. “First we have to make love on every piece of furniture in this suite. The bed seem glorious.” 

“Just like my ass?” Steve chuckled.

“Less sexy but you get my point!”

Steve observed his little man’s bright eyes, seeing there something he hadn’t seen in weeks. Happiness, joy, hope maybe. Promises of a brighter future. He poked his nose, kissed his lips, pinched his cheek, decided to annoy him in every way he could but Phil just leaned in and gave in to his sweet teasing with a smile and a trust only strong couples could have. 

“Shall we go to bed?” Steve asked, raising his left eyebrow. 

Phil hesitated for a long moment before wrinkling his nose. “Naaah!” he pouted. “Wanna stay in here for a while. That’s the thing with jacuzzi, they never get cold.” Steve chuckled, unable to protest. What could he do? He shrugged and settled more comfortably against the edge of the tub. Everything was perfect. All he needed was here with him. Even if he wasn’t hungry, Steve started to pick strawberries as Phil traced complex patterns on his skin. It had been a good day and they both deserved it…


End file.
